here's a poem I wrote for my friends and readers who are hearing from colleges and feeling, well, too many things:

 

 

JUDGED

 

They are not oracles, only people

Working with necessarily limited information

They can’t see the whole of you

The way your smile lights the room

When a friend succeeds

 

The way you tried again

When the less humiliating tack would’ve been to walk away

 

The way you put your soul

Your heart your thoughts your work your hopes

On that form

In a list

Quantified

Spread them out like jewels on the diamond merchant’s black velvet tray

 

Here I am, you said to them;

This is me

This is what I have done, accomplished, achieved

Here is what I have to show for my seventeen years on the planet.

 

Asking, silent but full-throated,

Do you want me?

Am I enough?

The most marrow-scraping questions a person can ask

Telling them why they are your first choice

A great fit

Convincing yourself, in writing the words, that it was true.

Maybe the first love letter you’ve ever written.

 

And then you may hear back: no thank you.

 

It will feel like all the air is sucked out of your lungs

Like the world itself is turning you away

Passing judgment on you

 

People will tell you, Don’t take it personally

As if what you had put down wasn’t personal

 

People will say, It wasn’t meant to be

As if there is some rational, overarching plan

That includes you getting punched in the nose by this

Hideous horror of NO.

 

Some will say It doesn’t matter.

 

But the feeling, the rip, the punch to your heart?

Matters.

Because you matter.

 

You aren’t a baby anymore, though you’re still pretty new here.

You aren’t all pudge and drool and blank slate, all giggly delight in a shaft of light

This is one scar among probably more than a couple by now on your

Still somewhat smooth self

 

But here is what you can do with it,

after you rage or cry or eat your sorrow down,

Today, and maybe tomorrow:

 

The next day, say, “Their loss,” and pretend to know that is true.

And then begin to rebuild.

 

Like a practitioner of the Japanese art of kintsugi will hold

The pieces of a delicate broken cup in his hands,

Gently seeing the beauty within brokenness

And then will set about fitting the pieces back together,

Not trying to hide the seams but filling them with bright gold or platinum

Exposing the perfection revealed by the imperfections,

The loveliness of the cracks and the fissures themselves

And the beautiful power of fixing his broken cup himself

 

You are the artist of your self

You are the creator of your life

You will hear NO more than you will hear YES

And neither answer will be the final verdict on you

 

You are awesome

You are loved

You matter

You are enough

 

Get through these crappy days

With courage and hope

Because what good is crap?

It’s just stinking poo except when it is

Fertilizer

To help young things grow.

 

Rachel Vail

 

 

 

you guys!

Email a picture of you with your favorite one of my books to rachelvailbooks@gmail.com, and we'll put it up on the site!


Awkward moment of the month

Home_Alone.jpg

Submit your eek-worthy moments and I'll pick one per month to feature!


ask rachel ANYTHING

In case you find yourself head down in a boot, ask and I'll give you any and all wisdom I can!